About Person Irresponsible
Fierce FannyWhen I turned 44, I discovered it was the age women start their midlife crisis. Having happened upon this interesting fact, I wondered precisely what might happen next.
Google made for unedifying reading: welcome to greater levels of anxiety, more occurrences of depression and south-bound boobage. I might also be struck by a sudden and spontaneous urge to take up knitting, or sudoku, or some other act of passivity whilst confined to a rocking chair. Sleeplessness and boredom loomed large and my conversations were likely to be rheumatoid in nature. Worse, the imminent menopause would see my marbles self-propel themselves elsewhere.
In an act of defiant anarchy, I purchased Fierce Fanny. I could not afford the Ferrari. I set off on the oversized quad bike for a grand tour of Scotland's best named places: Twatt, Brawl and Lost to name but a few.
Fast forward another couple of years, and a friend suggested I watched “Wild”. A film about a woman who walked portions of the world’s longest trail “The Pacific Crest Trail.”
“I could do that…,” were just about the most idiotic words I have ever heard myself utter. Following an intense training schedule of cake-eating, off I slogged up and down mountains. By night, I kept myself safe in flimsy tent, and by day, I sang at bears, squealed at insects, cried at rattlesnakes and shed every ounce of middle tyre around my abdomen. It took me six months for me to conclude that I hated the great outdoors and resumed my life of cake crushing and coffee-slurping.
To celebrate this rather atypical accomplishment of mine, I decided to become an author - shocking the pants off myself by actually completing an entire book and convincing people to read it. It received a slew of five star reviews from people I have never met nor have I paid. I felt momentarily famous when I did a plethora of radio interviews and podcasts about women’s mid-life crises, alcohol addiction and adventure experiences.
To help fund my next initiative: “Van Life”, I set up a series of talks on “Bravery & Womanhood” and delivered them around England. Proving I have been educated far beyond my natural capabilities, I put the skills acquired via three trips to university (BA, M.Ed, MBA) to good use: I deep dived down a lot of rabbit holes on how anxiety, fear and phobias are manifest in women differently. Moreover, I saw how society reinforces patterns of behaviour that can undermine our ambitions. My making the participants laugh is my forte as I share my wit and wisdom with my fellow anxiety-sufferers as well as those who just love learning about other women’s lives.
My forthcoming book “Everywhere I Never Wanted To Go” charts my journey around England in a Citroën Relay, affectionately dubbed “The Shitron” on account it contains a portable toilet. I was accompanied by Britain’s most erudite cat: The Admiral Nelson aka The Furry Imbecile. In the course of a year, we visited every single rude, awful, or stupidly-named settlement, commencing at Shitterton and finishing at Weedon Lois. If it has a “Cock” in it, rest assured we have been there. By immersing myself in Englishwoman’s culture and history, I looked back to my formative years: recalling life in two of Britain’s boarding schools as I endeavoured to answer life’s most innocuous, yet most loaded, question:
“Where are you from?”